a tree called life

hello!

2011-12-27T23:35:00.000-08:00

slowly returning

it's been a while since i've given anything to this space.
so much has changed- as things do.
i've sold my things and donated the rest. i'm staying with my mom until i leave for india sometime in february.

amazing things have happened and adventurous times are ahead!
i can't wait to share!

i'm really excited!

breathing

2011-05-16T09:14:00.001-07:00

taking a moment to breath and gather.
i'll be back to blogging soon this week.

diana- round 1

2011-04-25T22:53:00.000-07:00

i FINALLY got a roll of film from my diana+ developed.
only took me a year.
one thing's for sure, this new film interest i've developed isn't going to be a cheap hobby. i'd love to hear any advice on developing and printing your own film.

weekend snaps ~ pt 2

2011-04-20T01:32:00.000-07:00

on our last night in joshua tree, we were treated with the rising of the full moon and sunset-- at the same time. i'd stare in one direction to see the moon rising over the mountain then turn to see the sun setting over the desert. magic!
we also saw the two sweetest little dogs, jammed out to wah!, and found a natural food cafe before saying goodbye... until september!

weekend snaps ~ pt 1

2011-04-19T14:16:00.000-07:00

i came home yesterday from the most Incredible weekend at bhakti fest! only to bring that energy home to LA with some post-bhakti kirtan with new friends. i'm so so filled with love.

i've spent the last few days soaking in the desert sun, listening to beautiful kirtan from so many amazing souls like govindas and radha, taking the most amazing yoga classes i've ever experienced from shiva rea and sara ivanhoe, and eating all kinds of delicious and nourishing food! life is so so sweet!

jai jai!
namaste!

happy early weekend!

2011-04-14T13:48:00.000-07:00

i'm off to joshua tree for a yoga-kirtan-bliss filled weekend at bhakti fest! it's going to be soooo nice to get out of the city for a couple of days!

have a fantastic weekend!

chocolatey chia treat.. err, breakfast.

2011-04-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

this has been an excellent treat for those chilly mornings on my raw food cleanse- which ended monday! i feel great, but honestly not a whole lot different, maybe because i went into it already eating high raw..? however, i did have french toast monday and let me tell ya- my stomach was in all kinds of protest afterwards. i'm not sure if it was the eggs or the highly processed white bread, but i was definitely craving this chia seed porridge the next day. eating clean makes you feel good inside and out!

for this chocolatey bowl of yum-
(keep in mind all measurements of guesstimates- so add as much or as little as you'd like)

about 3 tbsp of chia seeds
(these suckers expand so a little goes a long way)
1 tbsp of cacao powder (i like to be generous)
1-2 tsp of cacao nibs
1 tsp of coconut sugar crystals (or whatever sweetener you like)
a couple of dashes of cinnamon
--you can also add nutmeg or vanilla or goji berries!

pour in 1/2 cup - 3/4 cup of milk, i like almond milk.
i also add in about 3/4 cup- i find the chia to be too thick with only a 1/2 cup, but if you like a more pudding consistency go with that!
stir it up and let it thicken for 20-30 mins.
at this point i like to put it in the oven on the lowest lowest temp (with the oven door cracked) just to warm it up a bit. you could also warm it in a dehydrator.

weekend snaps

2011-04-11T07:00:00.000-07:00

i had a quiet weekend that involved drinking lots of tea,
eating LOTS of greens,
making a natural moisturizer,
and soaking in a ton of inspiration.

music monday-

this video totally makes me want to realize my not-so-secret dream of vagabonding around the world in a traveling band of musician/bohemians - playing a broken guitar and maracas. in a VW van, of course.

spring cleaning!

2011-03-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

spring is finally here and i decided to do a bit of spring cleaning!
i find that more and more i'm craving simplicity. simple, simple, simple. it's easier to breathe when things are calm and simple.
looking around my apartment, i see bits of consumerism- excess.
it doesn't feel good. too much stuff takes up too much room, physically and mentally. my mind has no room to breathe here, amidst all this stuff.

see, i've spent time cleaning out before. getting rid of little things that i knew i didn't want, but this time i'm digging a little deeper, and cleaning out things that i know i don't need or things that i really don't love. i intend on moving into a new space in the next couple of months and i really like the idea of bringing only essential and special things with me- makes for an easier move. :)

i remember being inspired by an article that i read a while back (i can't seem to find the link, but here is something similar) about a woman who made a resolution to live a year with only 100 possessions. 100- including each item of clothing and every individual utensil and plate. I think it would be such a refreshing task- owning only what you needed, being unattached to material things.
now don't get me wrong, i like stuff. i love stuff. i have a lot of stuff. and i'm definitely not up for downsizing my stuff to 100, but it's a good idea, every now and then, to really understand the value of things. especially in these times when we are so quickly reminded that everything we own can be swept away instantly. (and i do think about this often, living in earthquake country)

so far i've been able to donate bags of clothes and a few appliances. i've come to realize in the past few days that i'm a clinger! it's interestingly difficult to get rid of certain things like books- am i ever really going to read The Da Vinci Code again? old high school t-shirts- do i really need to hang on to 10 cheerleading shirts?? gifts that i've received, but don't really like- that old photo frame that's in the closet, i can get rid of that now, right? dvds, receipts, electronic cords (??), missing socks, more grade school nostalgia, the list goes on and on...

anything you cling on to?

changes

2011-03-09T11:48:00.000-08:00

spring is almost here.
i love these transitional seasons, so i couldn't be more grateful.
everything is slowly changing-
the trees
the weather
the smells
the moods
change is good.

i'm preparing for some changes of my own, but more on that later-
right now, i'm going to go and enjoy this southern california sunshine.

i like 24 already.

2011-02-09T02:05:00.000-08:00

celebrated my birthday supporting the future amma center L.A.
in the sunshine with a ten million dollar view,
kirtan, mehndi, and a tarot card reading,
(which totally blew my mind, and made me realize
how much i need to work on listening to my own intuition!)
not to mention a yummy, vegan, dinner at Cru with some great gals.
(of which all photos are blurred... sigh... and i obviously have issues smiling straight into a camera)

michael pollan tonight!
matisyahu next week!!

24 is looking reaaally good.

~24~

2011-02-07T00:27:00.000-08:00

today's my birthday.

and 24 is going to be magic,

i've declared it so!

i'm meeting 24 with an open heart,

without any great or intricate plans,

and without worries.

this year is about letting go and riding the wave.

{i've found letting go can be a challenge}

this 24th year- i will trust.

just trust.

music monday

2011-01-24T01:23:00.000-08:00

kale salad

2011-01-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

finally!

i've found an appetizing way to eat raw kale in the form of this salad via rawalicious.

after making it several times in the past couple of weeks,

(it really is that good)

i've learned that the key is really massaging and breaking down the kale,

be generous with the tahini, and really crush up the garlic.

i've spent a fair amount of time in my kitchen this month,

trying to make meals from whole ingredients and eating more raw foods.

it has been a little challenging to not eat out as much,

but i really do feel better inside and out when i eat cleaner, living foods.

toast with cashew spread, avocado, and sprouts.

it's all so good!

i don't really measure out the ingredients, just use your instinct.

kale salad

2-3 heads of kale- remove stems (i like mixing red and green kale)

add olive oil, and lemon juice and massage with your hands for a good 7 mins.

massage in tahini, crushed garlic, and some kind of soy sauce (i like bragg's liquid aminos.)

toss in some sun dried tomatoes and sprinkle with sea salt.

(you can also add some fresh herbs and flax powder if you have it.)

the cashew spread was really an experiment, here's what i did...

cashew spread

2 cups of raw, soaked, cashews

blend in food processor with olive oil and a bit of water until goopy.

blend in a few cloves of garlic, ginger slices, dried basil, a pepper (like a jalapeno)

add a little lemon juice and sea salt.

if you know of any good raw recipes, let me know!

music monday

2011-01-17T13:42:00.000-08:00

january 14

2011-01-14T19:12:00.000-08:00

not only is today my beautiful friend, chyla's birthday-

one of my childhood friends just celebrated the birth of her brand new, baby boy!

it's these times in life when it's sad to be so far away from all of my oldest friends.

it's also the times when i go,

"hang on! but we were just talking about boys and whining about math class, right?!"

sigh.

these grown up celebrations also make me think,

"what. the. hell. am. i. doing?"

and i breathe, knowing that i just started to figure it all out,

i'm taking the long way around.

life is exciting, right?

today was a good day.

music monday

2011-01-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

into the woods

2011-01-08T15:26:00.000-08:00

my heart. my soul. breathes this...

Growing is Forever from Jesse Rosten on Vimeo.

2011

2011-01-01T02:09:00.000-08:00

happy new year!

i've consciously made the decision to not make a list of resolutions,

as it often gets tossed out by february.

instead, i'm focusing this new year around a mantra, of sorts,

that has been guiding my decisions and reactions all month,

i will be light

2010 has been a transformative and revolutionary year for me.

i've grown inward, shed many layers of ego, and made large -path altering- decisions.

the amount of change, positive change, that has happened within, fills me with gratitude,

and gives the painful and difficult struggles great meaning.

(you must tear down and empty out in order to make room for new and brighter things.)

a seed was planted within in 2010 and i will focus this new year on helping it to grow.

being the light to give it life.

allowing the light to carve out the darker areas in my heart,

and fade out the various egos in my mind.

radiating from a source of love,

putting greater emphasis on my bhakti yoga, and do things, all things, with devotion-

being a light that will serve.

i will be light

unbiased, with out attachments, and always present.

this is my mantra.

it's extraordinary, how quickly happiness flows in,

and how seamlessly life unfolds,

when you let everything go and simply float in the present.

i'm so grateful to everyone who reads this,

to all the people in my life, all the new friendships that are blooming.

2011 is going to be an amazing year, i can feel it!

love and light to all.

namaste,

carmella

Fluent

I would love to live

Like a river flows,

Carried by the surprise

Of its own unfolding.

John O'Donohue

music monday

2010-12-27T12:48:00.000-08:00

i always enjoy other blogs when they post a music monday video,

i thought i'd join in...

hope everyone had a great holiday!

meditation

2010-12-19T15:00:00.000-08:00

i am slowly,

deliberately,

learning

that in my silence and gratitude,

everything becomes illumined.

more beach scenes...

2010-12-16T22:29:00.000-08:00

to warm you up...
(if, you know, you live in a normal atmosphere where fall and winter are visible)
and because i can't come up with anything else to share with you all.

that's not entirely true,
i think that there's just too much going on in my head
and when i try to sit here to put it all down...
it all gets jumbled up...
and i just can't seem to ever shake this blogger funk...

christmas time?

2010-12-09T19:05:00.000-08:00

i'm a fall/winter kind of girl.

seeing all of these photos around the web of snow and fallen leaves makes my heart swoon.

but

instead of moping around and complaining about the sunshine and mild weather,

(because that is actually crazy, right?)

i decided to be thankful and go out to the beach and enjoy the sun.

all of my resentment about the lack of autumn seems to melt away when i sit on a little rock,

smell the sea air and listen to the ocean crash onto the shore.

how can you be anything but grateful at the beach?

a few scenes from my favorite little spot in laguna...

thanksgiving

2010-11-25T22:28:00.000-08:00

grateful for each inhale.

each exhale.

grateful for early mornings
when the world is still quiet.

grateful for the comfort of old friends

and the revelation of new ones.

grateful for the aroma of momma's cooking
and the opportunity to contribute my own.

grateful for today's sounds:
mom's laughter, sizzly saute, sinatra's jingle bells.

grateful for the earth
and all the yumminess she grows.

grateful for good books
and wise words from the past.

grateful for opportunities
and the confusion that so many bring.

grateful for the night
when the world winds down once again.

grateful for my little home
and the cozy roof over my head.

grateful for each breath.
each inhale.
each exhale.

do what you love

2010-11-16T11:49:00.000-08:00

more and more i think that i'd be happiest doing this with my life...

Do What You Love - Afton from The Panic Room Videos on Vimeo.

paper boats

2010-11-16T10:44:00.000-08:00

i had the loveliest time hanging out with kim last week.

we rummaged through vintage shops and talked with some interesting people.

we also made a stop at one my my favorite bookstores where i picked up a nice vintage

copy of poems by tagore, one of my all time favorite poets.

Paper Boats

Day by day I float my paper boats one by one down the running stream.

In big black letters I write my name on them and the name of the village where I live.

I hope that someone in some strange land will find them and know who I am.

I load my little boats with shiuli flowers from our garden and hope that these blooms of the dawn will be carried safely to land in the night.

I launch my paper boats and look up into the sky and see the little clouds setting their white bulging sails.

I know not what playmate of mine in the sky sends them down the air to race with my boats!

When night comes I bury my face in my arms and dream that my paper boats float on and on under the midnight stars.

The fairies of sleep are sailing in them, and the lading is their baskets full of dreams.

being alone

2010-10-28T01:16:00.000-07:00

i really love my mellow days all alone.

alone is easy for me, i attribute it to being an only child.

{though, i also attribute my general discomfort around children ages 0-12 to this same fact}

i love waking up to silence (relatively- the garbage truck at 6:30!! is a different story)

laying in bed for a while convincing myself that a responsible adult would wake up now,

and not at 11.

choosing not to make my bed, cause i don't wanna.

slooooowly sipping my coffee, skimming the news on the net.

(i love being alone and not having any sort of cable.)

practicing an hour of yoga in the middle of my living room floor.

listening to things that i probably wouldn't if others were present,

edith piaf, patsy cline, krishna das, *ehem* britney spears...

moseying over to the farmer's market,

satisfyingly unload all the fresh fruits and veggies,

talking myself into the notion that insects in the lettuce proves that it really is organic

and i shouldn't just chuck the whole thing.

taking waaay too long in the bath.

allowing myself to go to bed while the kitchen looks like a war zone.

watching this video again, twice.

from the bookshelf

2010-10-13T13:27:00.000-07:00

started to reread the four agreements last night

He came out of the cave on the night of a new moon.

They sky was clear, and he could see millions of stars.

Then something happened inside of him that transformed his life forever.

He looked at his hands, he felt his body, and he heard his own voice say,

"I am made of light; I am made of stars."

that's the kind of literature that makes me swoon.

as we are quite literally made up of the same energy as the stars.

one day i'll have a real garden

2010-10-08T01:44:00.000-07:00

but until i have that real garden, with real dirt and enough space to grow things other

than potted herbs and succulents,

(of which i'm barely and miraculously keeping alive)

i'm making do with my teeny, tiny, barely sunlit patio space.

my indoor "garden" is surviving thus far as well,

especially my money tree

i'm talking about religion...

2010-09-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

i don't get religious on this blog.

though, spirituality will find its way into a few posts,

i try to keep things universal and non-sectarian so that everyone is a part of it.

but lately, with everything going on around 9/11 - anti-mosque buildings, quran burnings and

the general intolerance and aggression, i just can't stand to not say anything.

i have such a strong feeling about it, and what is a blog good for - if not to spew your feelings.

this hate that has come to surround the practice of islam breaks my soul and is really offensive.

i'm not muslim, but it still offends me deeply, why?

because though our paths to god may seemingly vary, we are all the same.

exactly the same.

god. is. the. same.

so, to greatly disrespect someone's spiritual path is offensive.

i noticed, that i can get really... hostile and frustrated when i try to write about it all.

it's hard for me to articulate what i feel, but whataya know-

last night, as i was reading a speech given by sri mata amritanandamayi, (better known as amma)

back in 1993, i came across a portion where she explains, unerringly, what i would like to say.

since i, no doubt, would come off angry and negative, i'm going to share her words with you below,

because amma has come to be a great teacher of mine and says everything with heeps more grace than i would.

so, read if you'd like...

Today's world tries to evaluate religious principles by observing the actions of certain individuals, performed in the name of religion. This is like discarding the baby with the bath water. It is like condemning all medicines and doctors for the wrong prescription given by a single doctor. Individuals are sometimes good and sometimes bad. They have weaknesses and may lack discrimination. It is wrong to impose the faults and weaknesses that you see in them on the principles of religion...

... Religion contains the essential principles of life by which egotism and narrow-mindedness are eliminated. But sometimes, due to lack of proper understanding, the same religion becomes a breeding ground for these negative qualities. As a result of egotism, narrow-mindedness and competition, quarrels arise. They arise because people have failed to imbibe the essence of religion.

Today, there are thousands who are ready to die for their religion, but none who are willing to live by its principles. People do not realize that religion is something to be lived. They forget that it has to be applied and practiced in our day to day lives.

"My religion is the best! My religion is the greatest!" says one. "No, it is my religion that's the best and the greatest!" says another. Thus, the clamor continues. Because of this narrow vision and all the envy that exists, the true essence and message of religion is lost to the people.

Thinking of the present day quarrels which exist among religions, Amma is reminded of a story. Once, there were two patients staying in separate wards of the same hospital, and each one of them was being cared for by relatives. The patients were very ill and both were desperately crying out in pain. A relative of each went to obtain some urgently needed medication. Upon returning to the hospital, they net in a narrow doorway which could accommodate only one person at a time. Each person wanted to go through before the other, and neither of them would give way. Both insisted on being first, and a big quarrel ensued. While the patients were screaming in unbearable pain, their relatives continued to fight, each one still clutching the medicine in his hand. We often find the followers of different religions enacting the roles of these two relatives. Blinded by the external trappings of their faith, they fail to grasp its true essence and spirit. Instead of moving towards God, in the name of religion they actually drag themselves down.

This is the pitiful state of religion in the modern age. Owing to this unyielding and arrogantly competitive attitude, people have neither patience nor forbearance, and have lost their capacity to love...

... When we truly imbibe the spirit of religion, the sorrow and suffering of others becomes our own. Compassion arises and we are able to sympathize with the pain and suffering of others. Only through the experience of oneness with the Self can we feel real compassion and concern.

thank you:

2010-09-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

God,
for friends,
especially the ones that are going through exactly, exactly, what i'm going through,
and for having them say that they need you just as much as you need them.
it feels mighty good - to not be at the dock alone.

quiet mornings on the mat,
though i use quiet loosely,
it seems the guy upstairs has taken to stomping around at 8 in the morning now,
granted i would rather deal during yoga as opposed to sleep at 2AM-
so, thanks for that too.

freedom
to do whatever i want, whenever i want.
having nothing to tie me down,
so that if i do decide to make some crazy cliff jumping decision,
i won't have to look back.
though, sometimes i think that so many options is what makes things so difficult.

nonetheless, thank you options.

sitting, waiting...

2010-08-28T13:05:00.000-07:00

it's 1:00pm.

i'm waiting, still in a drowsy stupor, for my coffee to brew.

i guiltlessly heaved out of bed all of an hour ago.

waiting, listening to my michael franti station on pandora, wondering how it's still possible for

me to be this tired, and my eyes this crusty....

waiting, with my hand under my chin, carefully deciding between fruit or vanilla pound cake-

i'll have both.

jack johnson's "sitting, waiting, wishing" starts to play.

haha. funny universe.

waiting, i don't even know what for...

waiting, for some manifestation of God to walk in my front door -

or pop out through the oven - poof out magically from my french press and say,

"yo, i am thee God, here is exactly what i want you to do _____"

insert epic, life changing, direction.

bob marley's "redemption song"

ha.

lately in meditation, which i sometimes use as "prayer" time,

{don't get me wrong, i totally believe in the power of prayer, i just don't like the idea of

using it to sit and ask, beg, for some thing or some event to miraculously happen, usually without

any gratitude or self discovery or service... anyway}

i've been focusing on patience... because, well, we can always use more of it,

but last night i asked for clarity.

the ability to discern between what my mind and ego dream of and what my heart dreams of.

everything seems so melded together, i can't honestly separate anything in my head.

i realize my indecisiveness is what is making my life so stagnant.

i'm standing at the dock and there are two ships.

i'm not judging these ships,

neither is better or worse than the other, both lead out to somewhere unknown

and are certainly better than staying on shore. certainly.

for certain, i don't want to be on shore... i want to be out there.

i just can't figure out which to commit to. one is steered by heart, the other by mind,

my preference is to be captained by heart,

surely, i will be happier there.

but which is which, they both look the same, i've grown and become fond of both.

i'm waiting,

for that intuitive push.

so i prayed for clarity,

for the ability to honestly hear intuition.

to know it once i hear it.

to listen to it once i hear it.

for the ability to finally make a decision.

and (in all it's holy cheese) i asked for-

a sign.

so, i'm waiting,

patiently and consciously

for something.

case & point: i over thought about what to title this post...

2010-03-27T00:13:00.000-07:00

has anyone ever been in a -

i-don't-want-to-use-my-brain-for-any-productive-thinking-&-so-instead-i'll-just-sit-

around-watch-tv-while-stuffing-myself-with-anything-that-has-no-nutritional-value,

mood?

well, this has been my sad state for some time.

i was tired of thinking, thinking too much - i was becoming an over-thinker,

which was really putting a cramp in my, "flow where the river takes you, everything happens as it should,"

philosophy on life.

it's hard to explain this weird rut i've been in.

it all started when i tried to figure out the source of some anxiety,

so of course one thought led to another, led to another,

(and i'll spare you the ridiculous details of my crazy self-psycho-analysis)

in a fleeting moment of comprehensible thought, i realized that i really hated this part of myself.

(a part that i thought had been kicked out and done with a while ago)

that part of me that over analyzes, over thinks, and is way too indecisive.

honestly, the amount of thought that just goes into picking out what color shirt to buy is shameful,

that's without getting someone else involved in the decision.

this is just not at all who i wanted to be! geeh!

here i am, the happiest i've ever been, why the uneasy feeling?

the sudden anxiety, the sudden stress, i realized wasn't coming from anything in particular,

it was just coming from my Over thinking about every little aspect of my life,

as if i was searching for something to worry about!

why do we do that? why do we try and sabotage a perfectly pleasant life with senseless angst?

"Carmella," i said

"life is good, and things are going to be smooth sailing, so stop trying to screw it up!"

and then i sat around for two weeks in an indolent stupor, being all,

"life is good," "don't worry," "don't over think,"

which led to no thinking...

which somehow led to becoming a reclusive couch potato proficient.

which then found me trying to justify my established laziness,

"oh dear god, i'm ignatius j reilly."

and i snapped out of it.

anyway, i've shaken my general insensibility and i'm thinking again.

and i felt the need to write this out, right now, at midnight because i thought,

"if you don't blog now, you won't do it tomorrow, so get your lazy ass up and do it."

but now i'd like to lay and listen, under the street traffic ,

to the wind conversing through the leaves, and the occasional peal

of wind chimes, that some gracious neighbor has set out.

one of my favorite sounds.

you know, minus the traffic...

i also really hate that any good creative ideas i have,

always, always, always, always

come right when i turn off the lights, turn off my computer, and get in bed.

every. time.

as soon as i shut my eyes, i start rambling something in my head

that i then have to get up and right down.

if i'm not to lazy.

many a blog post has been lost to my not wanting to fumble for the pad and pen.

a rainy saturday lunch

2010-02-28T00:14:00.000-08:00

yesterday, before the bitter rain came down on us,

my adorable friend Whitney and I managed to have a nice and dry, outdoor lunch,

planning various ways on how to make an L.A. escape.

(i said L.A. and i were friends now, not life long partners)

porto's isn't exactly a go-to place for meatless treats. i did have a yummy grilled veggie sandwich,

and it's all about the plantain chips anyway.

well worth the chaos that's always inside that place.

we're nice and dry in these photos, but the rain really started coming down after lunch,

who drinks ice coffee in chilly, wet weather?

we do.

myles the bird man

2010-02-26T01:00:00.000-08:00

while strolling in santa monica,

i noticed a happy man,

a very happy man, standing in a flock of pigeons.

(yes, i immediately thought of the woman in home alone 2-best holiday movie ever, anyway...)

this not being something you come across everyday,

(unless, of course, you live in venice)

i asked if i could take his photo and he kindly agreed.

his name is myles cranford, and he loves pigeons.

he comes out to hold and feed them whenever he can, it's as natural to him as having a dog would be to me.

i have to admit, i always did want to feed the birds, tuppence a bag.

(thanks mary poppins)

the only thing that kept me from doing it while i was in venice -

was the high probability of being pooped on.

and i was definitely dodging a few droppings while snapping these pics.

still,

amongst the poop and frantic flapping of wings,

there was an honest and simple joy about him.

and i thought he was beautiful.

today

2010-02-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

i did nothing.

and it was good.

i woke up, embarrassingly late, on this cloudy morning with my to-list list beside me,

took a long look at it and said, "i'll do it tomorrow."

instead, i sat on my butt and finally got caught up on the last season of Lost.

and maybe ate one too many girl scout samoas.

a good day indeed.

(why does it always happen, that the days you never leave the house,

are always the best hair days?)

while the rest of you are bundled by the fire..

2010-02-17T23:17:00.000-08:00

my mom came up for a visit this week,

on top of teaching me to make a yummy vegetarian kimchi,

(i'm trying to learn how to make korean food)

and watching a bit of korean tv,

(which really has been aiding in my learning, i'm starting to catch myself thinking in korean)

we spent a little time out in santa monica.

i brought the diana along, hopefully i'll get those developed before christmas...

it was such a nice day,

i still can't believe that it's so cold for a lot of you,

it got up to 85 degrees in the valley this week.

{i'm trying to enjoy it, but i like cold weather, and it's winter after all damnit!}

my mom's a bit camera/blog shy, but i'll sneak a picture in at some point. :)

~23~

2010-02-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

i've decided that 18-22 will go down as my, "dark ages."

and 23+ will be the happiest years of my life.

{happy me - circa 1990}

furry neighbors

2010-02-01T19:01:00.000-08:00

look who i found having a snack outside my window.

so sweet.

back where i come from

2010-01-23T13:27:00.000-08:00

have you been to olivia rae's blog, everyday musings?

if not - you should, it's lovely! it always makes me feel pretty nostalgic.

she lives in charleston and put together this great little video of the city.

i miss it a lot sometimes.

especially when set to a great fleet foxes tune.

a {somewhat miraculous} breakthrough!

2010-01-11T23:33:00.000-08:00

something happened to me the other day, and for reasons that i can't explain,

i want to share that event with you!

driving down the 101 at 12 mph allowed me time to observe everything around me.

the scene through my windshield was a typical southern california cliche.

{a view found on a sun faded 90's postcard}

i don't like palm trees, they're probably my least favorite tree,

but right then, i very much liked them,

at twilight, when i don't see them, but their silhouettes.

i like them in front of the horizon, when it blends, impossibly, from a dark indigo, to light blue, to green,

to yellow to peachy orange. impossible. amazing.

the sprawling city was to my left, as i crawled along, passing the Sunset exit.

the hollywood sign, on the hill to my right.

as i was passing it, i recalled the first time i saw it.

how deceived i felt, at how small it really is.

how deceiving los angeles was to me.

hollywood, i've come to learn, is just an idea. the place- it doesn't exist.

as a child, i came to love that idea. i fell, deep in love with the world i created it to be.

i loved the sound gene kelly made when he moved his feet, and the glow of ingrid bergman's face,

in the soft focus of the black & white close-ups.

but my heart would be broken.

at 18, i landed in los angeles and took my first drive down the graffiti and litter lined freeway.

the best way i can describe the feeling of my first moments in this city is...

well...

it's like dreaming that you were about to walk into a fantastical disney world, and you are filled to capacity

with inexpressible excitement...

and ending up on coney island, with freaky clowns and carneys laughing at you

through a fish eye lens.

the world i created wasn't real. and it broke my heart.

oh, the city, the city is real. it's the world i created that was all a dream.

then why, if it wasn't my fairy tale land, did i stay?

{and come to wallow in a deep misery, that i had never before experienced?}

because i may have made up a fairy tale place, but the dream that is within it -- is very real.

and it's here. it's the needle in my haystack, if you will.

my dream is here in this smog infested haystack, and it's only a matter of time, until i find it, make it true.

i'm still here, because something i love is here,

temporarily hidden from me.

i suppose the fun should be in trying to find it, but the task is tiresome and disheartening.

it's not a secret that i have... unfavorable feelings toward this city.

mostly, i suppose, because i felt like she deceived me.

but driving along that evening, the obvious finally became known to me.

L.A. didn't lie to me.

i shouldnt be so hard on her. i made up the idea myself.

my L.A. doesn't exist. my hollywood isn't real.

but los angeles is.

and she sits as she always has.

i should be grateful really.

she allows the biggest and most outlandish of dreams.

she allows anyone to come, no promises.

she allowed me a freedom i didn't have in my sleepy hometown.

she allows questions and creativity. she let me breath in a sense.

in not giving me anything, she's given me the most,

and forced me to learn more about myself than any other place will,

of this i'm certain.

in the hardest days i've ever had,

in the unsuccessful and demoralizing days of searching for my needle.

in those days, i've learned most about me.

and i know that whatever my journey will be, i was meant to create a fantasy L.A.

because from that fantasy came a dream, a dream that is real, a dream that i love, and a dream that is here.

{and let's face it, had i'd known what L.A. really was, i may never have come}

so i needed that fantasy to bring me here...

and i needed L.A's ugly reality to beat me down, so that i could learn to live.

maybe most importantly, i met the carmella that i was to be, here.

the suped up, stronger, wiser, more compassionate and better understanding version.

{though, that damn needle still eludes me}

so there i was driving along the 101.

in a sea of millions of strangers, a few who are probably wallowing in the same misery.

and i felt something.

a strange rush of excitement, the excitement i used to have,

... a hopeful joy?

could i be feeling happy about L.A?

hope. i stared at this city with so much hope and light in my heart.

and embraced that calm feeling that occasionally comes when you are still enough to hear

the universe, god, whatever your preference, letting me know that everything is perfect.

and it felt perfect.

finally, in the comfort of my VW, at 12 mph,

sandwiched between the city i've come to antagonize so much and

that famous sign, looking ahead to the houses in the hills,

graffiti on the freeway. layer of smog on the horizon.

watching the 3 helicopters encircle what i can only imagine to be a car chase, wildfire or film set.

i became friends with her.

right there.

and i thanked her.

thanks L.A. -

i promise i won't be so mean to you,

how about this year dropping that needle in my lap??

just so you know...

2009-12-19T11:50:00.000-08:00

i am totally, and thoroughly, just absolutely, and perfectly happy!

i'm so in love with life!

i love everyone i know, and everyone i don't,

i love my little blog circle of amazing girls, and my loud should-be-written-into-a-sit-com, neighbors.

i love the blaring sirens, and this cold apartment. i love december, and all the holiday lights in the windows.

i love the fall leaves, and the snow that i don't see. i love this california weather and the palm trees too.

i love long lines in stores, and when my drinks are made wrong.

i love cards from friends, and friends who don't call.

i love creepy bugs and weird smells, i love crazy drivers and shopping carts in parking spaces.

i love hot showers and warm beds. i love paper cuts and stubbed toes.

i love my past, everything about it, and i love my future, everything it will be.

i love the suffering that must be, for the compassion that follows.

seriously, my love spans farther than is capable to describe.

it's silly, to try and fit something this big into tiny words.

i love breaking glaciers in antarctica and the thirsty sand in the sahara.

i love deeps oceans and big, blue, cloudy skies!

if i could - i'd hug the world, and much farther beyond.

all, just because i breathe.

it's awesome.

i want to shake every person that doesn't feel this way, and just say, "don't you see?!?"

life is so good. and the turn around rate for things getting 'better' is instant,

when you understand this!

i had an 'a-ha!' moment about a week ago.

about the goodness of life.

and i thought it was just a temporary fit of happiness because of some new revelation into enlightenment,

those occur sometimes,

but yet - i'm still happy. and it's not just some artificial, temporary, hallmark happiness.

you know, i'm not skipping around twirling in the streets... though i could.

no, it's rooted, deep down. it's profound, untouchable happiness.

they say, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change,

they weren't kidding. everything is SO much easier when you decide to just be happy.

this post turned out to be a lot longer than i expected. i was just going to type,

i'm happy.

but it just wouldn't suffice.

i want to celebrate everything that comes my way, because everything is perfect.

just the way it should be.

that's all.

{that's everything}

better late than never

2009-12-15T20:13:00.000-08:00

so, i have a few things (and by few i mean 5) up in the etsy shop.

it took much longer than i thought to actually get it set up, got sidetracked but,

better late than never.

there's a lot more that we'll be adding, gradually, during the next few days,

you can go ahead and check it out...

The Crunchy Leaf

little surprises

2009-12-08T09:00:00.000-08:00

as i was looking through a few photos i took of the rain yesterday,

i noticed that when i zoomed in on this one, that i took of the raindrops on my car window,

there was a little surprise for me-

within the drops, you can see the reflection of the street!

upside down of course!

it made me happy.

{click to see it bigger}

so, yeah...

2009-12-03T00:06:00.000-08:00

it seems, that lately every time i log on to post something-

i end up right here at the 'new post' page-

just twiddling my thumbs.

have i nothing to say?

no, i have so much to say, about so many things.

yet nothing seems to make its way out from my brain to my fingers.

i'm just sitting here on my bed, not wanting to say anything.

~hmph~

life seems too mundane to write about.

though, now that i think about how mundane it is,

i realize it really isn't.

maybe i've used all creative and original particles of... me,

in other places right now,

and i have nothing left to scrap together to compile an intriguing thought or sentence.

right now, i just want to be silent.

---see now, i just wrote out two long paragraphs about being an adult and responsibility and life

and deleted it---

because it didn't feel right, and i just don't really want to say anything.

and the post started to get really loud and stressful.

which was good, i'm glad i wrote it... and deleted it.

why delete it, you ask?

because when i reached the conclusion, i realized that i didn't agree with my thoughts,

and one quote i heard (from who, i can't remember) came to my mind.

"people will tell you to stop going against the current, to turn your boat around and row with the flow,

but it's best to just stop rowing and let go of the oars."

and that. is how i honestly feel.

so, i'll not write loud posts about how worried i am with my life.

because, when i reach the end of those thoughts... it's always a lie.

i suppose that sometimes the lies need to be written out, to see them clearly.

i hope this post made sense...

tiger mountain peasant song

2009-12-01T14:14:00.000-08:00

i love, love, love, love, this cover of my favorite fleet foxes song!

i mean... they're even in the woods... so good!

update:

naomi of rockstar diaries just posted about these two also...

we're on the same frequency today.

if i believed in coincidences, this would be one.

lazy days

2009-11-21T21:51:00.000-08:00

being chilly makes me lazy.

and i don't mind.

the sound of silence

2009-11-20T12:26:00.000-08:00

i miss sounds.

i miss going to bed and hearing the chirping of crickets and frogs.

i miss the quiet of the night and hearing the midnight train from a mile and a half away.

i miss the sound of rain on my windows, and the dogs barking before a storm.

most of all though, i miss the sound of nothing.

i miss silence.

here, i have to constantly hunt for silence.

i hear my neighbors talking loudly in the building.

i hear sirens and horns outside.

i hear the banging of doors... this complex isn't very sound proof.

even if all of that is still, i can hear the continuous noise of cars driving along the street.

at night, at maybe 2 AM, i'm lucky to get 30 seconds of silence in the space

between the passing cars and trucks - if people aren't chattering on the front stoop.

i miss complete silence-

when the world is so quiet, that the only thing audible is

the ringing of your ears.

thank you blog friends!

2009-11-10T18:10:00.000-08:00

i can't tell you how strange and unexpected it is, that even one person reads this blog.

i feel like i bore you all half of the time.

i really do love reading all your comments and emails, they're always so sweet!

and just so you know,

i do call you my friends now...

i was having a conversation with my roomie the other day, and found myself saying,

"my blog friend, so and so, that lives in so and so, said this..."

thanks guys!

i appreciate you!

a sign

2009-11-07T11:09:00.000-08:00

i had an amazing "ask and ye shall receive" moment today.

recovering from an intense "oh my life!" conversation that i had with fatmata last night,

i sat down in meditation this morning and let out a loud sigh, which contained in it, a silent question.

"why am i so lost?"

a few hours later i come across the above photo on the free people blog.

thank you, universe for such a quick and obvious answer. maybe i teared up a bit.

sometimes i forget that i'm not lost. ever.

i'm constantly learning that nothing is ever wrong.

everything is as it should be. everything that is happening, is because it has to.

though, i may not understand why - i don't need to. and i honestly don't care to.

all i can ever do is be here in my now -

and know that the experience that i am having is the one i need.

that sounded very self-help... :)

sometimes i need to talk myself through things.

anyway, this makes me think of a chinese proverb-

a good traveler has no definite plans and no intention of arriving

i stopped planning a while ago. i make it a point to live as deliberately as

possible in every current moment and i've never been more at peace but,

i think, i sometimes worry myself with the uncertainty of my future.

which then, makes me think of something deepak chopra says,

that always makes me feel refreshed.

"Uncertainty … is the fertile ground of pure creativity and freedom.

Uncertainty means stepping into the unknown in every moment of our existence.

The unknown is the field of all possibilities, ever fresh, ever new, always open to the creation of

new manifestations. Without uncertainty and the unknown, life is just the stale repetition of

outworn memories. You become the victim of the past, and your tormentor today is your self

left over from yesterday."

really, i am just grateful to be alive,

i know that my existence is a sheer miracle.

i woke up this morning. thank you.

i'm breathing now. thank you.

i feel. thank you.

i am. thank you.

jumbled up

2009-10-18T00:37:00.000-07:00

my head feels very unorganized.

i've just been in a funk,

i'm not really stressed out or anything-

i've just feel odd.

and tired. really tired.

bleh.

i need a brain clean up.

make some lists-

lists always help.

i really don't know how to explain it,

it's kind of like i'm sitting in a snow globe and someone has

shaken it up, and i've just caught my balance, but not my bearings,

and so i'm standing in the middle watching the little flecks of snow fall around me

waiting for something to happen... just waiting,

for what? i have no clue. like if i keep waiting maybe the snow will just burst into flames,

or an arctic snow monster- that'd be exciting - a break in the minutiae.

but it just falls - always the same.

meanwhile, the bigger, real life people are just going about their lives,

their non-stuck-in-a-snow-globe-lives,

while i wait.

then all the flecks are finally settled and everything is clear,

and just for a second my brain gets a handle on things,

until the globe is shaken up again.

always again.

and it starts all over.

all over. in the bubble.

make sense?

not really?

*sigh*

being in a snow globe sucks.

{image via flckr}

maybe just a little rain??

2009-10-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

dear L.A,

won't you please rain?

i want play in the rain

i want to walk in the cold, down a broken sidewalk

hugging a scarf tighter around me

alone, while surrounded by company

i want to smell the damp afternoon,

grey in the veil of low slung clouds

quiet, say for the rain

and the distant sounds of sloshing

as tires drive on streets unseen

{image via vi.sualize.us}

from Walden

2009-10-03T09:00:00.000-07:00

i would be so grateful to learn to live my life

as Thoreau did.

whenever i'm feeling stressed out about life,

i love turning to Walden.

it just makes my insides fly.

i sort of live by the quote -

"as long as possible live free and uncommitted"

"I have frequently seen a poet withdraw, having enjoyed the most valuable part of a farm,

while the crusty farmer supposed that he had got a few wild apples only.

Why, the owner does not know it for many years when a poet has put his farm in rhyme,

the most admirable kind of invisible fence, has fairly impounded it,

milked it, skimmed it, and got all the cream, and left the farmer only the skimmed milk...

...

All that I could say, then, with respect to farming on a large scale-

I have always cultivated a garden- was, that I had had my seeds ready.

Many think that seeds improve with age. I have no doubt that time discriminates

between the good and the bad; and when at last I shall plant,

I shall be less likely to be disappointed. But I would say to my fellows, once for all,

As long as possible live free and uncommitted.

It makes but little difference whether you are committed to a farm or the county jail."

followed later in this chapter is his famous quote -

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately,

to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn

what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

I did not wish to live what was not life, living is so dear..."

--Henry David Thoreau

Re: Stacks

2009-09-20T00:31:00.000-07:00

since i already gave you iron & wine...

this is probably my favorite bon iver song.

it's sooooo good.

flightless bird

2009-09-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

my bon iver/iron & wine playlist puts

me in a seriously creative mood.

every time.

here's a pretty great version of

iron & wine's flightless bird

a saturday poem

2009-09-19T02:54:00.000-07:00

but carmella, why poems on saturday?

because i want to.

but, since it is almost 3 AM

(look, i'm nocturnal - ok?)

i'll make it easy and just post one that is

short and sweet and that i know by heart.

robert frost may very well be

my most favorite of favorite poets.

and this poem is just so precious and true.

it really is amazing how something

relatively small can brighten your entire day!

i suppose that this poem could be my dust of snow for the day.

dust of snow

the way a crow

shook down on me

the dust of snow

from a hemlock tree

has given my heart

a change of mood

and saved some part

of a day i had rued.

- robert frost

what's money?

2009-09-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

what's money? a man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes
to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do.
- bob dylan

yes bob. yes.

life is good

2009-09-13T16:29:00.000-07:00

it feels amazing outside today.

it's about 77 degrees, with a consistent breeze that is much cooler than that.

it's that perfect and indescribable, summer to fall transitional breeze.

i literally stood at my open window with my eyes shut

for 20 minutes, feeling the air all over my skin.

everything about that instant reminded me of lazy days spent

on the lake in south carolina.

memories of being on the boat with good friends, of the way the

cold wind would feel on your face on those hot summer days as we

would speed the boat across the water -

the sound of everyone's laughter playing over the

the best of kenny chesney.

i did finally have to pry my eyes open and pull

myself out of all that carolina nostalgia.

yet, minutes later i find myself still sitting here...

just breathing it in -

smelling the tree that (so thankfully) grows outside of my window.

i hear the leaves dancing with one another.

i hear the two birds conversing in an unseen branch.

even the traffic is a perfect sound in this moment.

i am completely happy.

saturday is a good day for a poem

2009-09-12T01:53:00.000-07:00

poetry,

it's how the soul articulates itself to the world.

what a gift...

those writers who are able enough to allow their hearts

to combine words so exquisitely, so passionately -

that they can make us feel, within just one sentence,

a world of emotions, emotions that previously may have

even been foreign to us.

poetry, to me, is the most beautiful thing ever done with human language.

no rules to follow. just raw, true songs from the soul.

so naturally, when thinking of a name for this blog,

i referenced part of a poem. you may have noticed a portion of it

at the very bottom of the blog, but i thought i'd share the whole thing

with you - in case you are unfamiliar.

mind you, poems on love are not typically my favorites -

i prefer those involving nature.

i tend to giggle at the general cornballness of the

whole roses are red, cupidy-cherub babies fly schtick.

however, this one makes my heart dissolve into goo and

i become a girly cliche.

(perhaps because there is a bit of nature in it)

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere

i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done

by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear

no fate(for you are my fate, my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

hear is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the

sky of the sky of a tree call life;which grows

higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

--ee cummings

Today

2009-07-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

i started a blog.

we'll see what happens...